 I had a lot of trouble thinking of the best way to get my story from my head to the paper, but I figured the best way would be to just write down everything I can.The first thing I want to say is that even in the darkest moments of your life when you’re dealing with anxiety, depression, or OCD please push on. I promise you it will get better. Hopefully you can take my story for example and find the motivation to keep going.
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 It was the afternoon of July 12, 2011 when my son made his way into this world. I fought for 20 hours to birth him naturally. I was so proud to have him safe and sound in my arms! A month after we brought him home we knew things were not okay. He continued to be jaundiced and very sleepy. A trip to the ER on the eve of his 1 month birthday and we were whisked to the Alberta Children's Hospital. We would remain there for 2 months while they worked to diagnose and operate for a rare liver condition.
 OCD and anxiety have been a constant companion my whole life. This made school especially difficult because while others were able to focus on the work I had to count every bubble, colour in every letter, repeat phrases over and over and over and over… My evening routine consisted of brushing my teeth. Then brushing them again. And again. And again until the anxiety momentarily went away. I counted tiles in the bathroom, then counted them again. I whispered meaningless, ritualistic words to myself for over an hour. Everything was difficult. OCD consumed every aspect of my life.
 For me, anxiety is part of my PTSD. It takes many forms, and a lot of the times I’m anxious about the future. But it’s also a lot of regret over trivial things. And it’s a lot of useless thinking. More than the ‘what if’s, it’s the 'shoulds’ or more likely, the 'shouldn’t have’s. It’s the 'If only I hadn’ts.
 It’s hard to say when I first accepted that I had a mental health problem, and wasn’t just going through a tough time. The first time I spoke to a therapist professionally was in my undergrad, but the poor therapist was in over her head and I successfully managed to make most of the session about her. This was around about 2001, which makes the next time I saw a Dr. about mental health ‘round about 2006.
 People ask me all the time what it’s like to have depression. In fact, people have lots of questions about it. What does it feel like? Why can’t I just push out the bad thoughts and think happy ones? Why don’t my happy pills always work? How long am I going to be like this for? When did I become depressed? When will I get better? The thing with depression is that it is full of unknowns. That’s part of what makes it so hard. I can’t answer a lot of those questions, but the best way I can describe depression is that it’s like a roller coaster.
 I had a lot of difficulty thinking of the best way to share my story. Anxiety has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. And while I know many of us have had the feeling where there is no hope or that anxiety is ruining my life, I am here to tell you that things can and always will get better. I am here to share my story with you because the lowest points in my life today I can attribute to anxiety. However, despite this I have had the opportunity to cope with this illness to a significant degree. I have been able to use it to help shape me into a better individual rather than allow it to tear me apart. Everyone has the ability to do the same.
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Katie McLean holds a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology, and bases her anxiety aid in personal experience, as well as techniques that have been passed on to her by counsellors, friends, and fellow anxiety sufferers. CategoriesArchives
October 2018
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Photo used under Creative Commons from Elisa ...
