I’ve been suicidal for the past five months, but I don’t have any plans to kill myself. This isn’t something that I can really talk about with anyone, because as soon as you mention suicide, people want to put you in a hospital until you stop thinking about killing yourself.  I want to make it clear, I don’t have any plans to end my life, I just think about it a lot. I have no plans to swallow a bottle of pills, or hang a rope around my neck. I’m faced with suicidal thoughts almost daily, but I have no intention of going through with any of them.
 
It’s not that I don’t want to live anymore, because I do. I want to see the leaves on the trees change colour in the fall, and I want to eat the most delicious foods in the world, explore all the places in the world I’ve never seen. I want to fall in love and meet people who in inspire me. I want to live a long and happy life – but right now none of this seems possible. The world feels grey to me. I either feel depressed, anxious or numb (and sometimes a combination of all three). I go to my university's campus and I feel like I’m going to pass out from the rabbit race my heart is running and how fast my head is spinning. I go home and I feel numb, I don’t want to do anything or see anyone. Fleeting thoughts like, “I would be okay if I died today,” or “I don’t want to be around anymore,” stick to the back of my mind like glue. Most of the time I can push them away, but when I let myself go and stop thinking for just one moment, these thoughts come back. It’s exhausting and I need it to end, but I can’t talk about it with anyone.
 
Suicidal people deserve a place to talk about their suicidal feelings without risking hospitalization/institutionalization or being accused of being manipulative or attention seeking. I wish that I had someone to talk to about what was going on in my mind but counsellors are required to report any suspicion of someone being in harm’s way and friends and family worry to an extent that it makes them sick – so I keep it to myself. I’ve come up with three pretty helpful ways to ignore or distract myself from these thoughts:

1. Music. It keeps me feeling sane when I think the world is crumbling around me. I have a playlist on Spotify that I find helps.
2. Walking (outside). Being in nature, even if it is a rainy, wet day, helps me see the beauty in everything, even when it’s dark. It also helps that I have a furry friend, my lovely puppy Lily, to make everything feel better.
3. Doing anything artsy. Whether it’s doodling, colouring, doing a DIY activity for someone’s birthday or Christmas present; I enjoy distracting myself through art.

 
I want to make something clear. While I may have no active plans to harm myself, I still try and keep an eye out in case my thoughts get worse, or I begin thinking more actively about going through with things. For example, I keep track of my mood every day. I try to write down some of the thoughts that I am having, and rate them on their severity and persistency. If I notice them increasing or getting worse, I have a plan to contact my counsellor and doctor. My roommate also knows about what I am going through, so I have someone keeping an eye out for me. If there is even just one person that you can tell, it can be helpful. Being aware of your personal safety is incredibly important.
 
I don’t know how things are going to get better, and I don’t know when. This scares the shit out of me. But I know that of all the years I have been alive, I have had a 100% success rate in getting through each day. So I have to believe that things will get better, they always do right?

** If you are suicidal and are in crisis, please call ​the crisis line in your region **