Nadia's Story

Throughout this last year, I really struggled answering the question “Are you happy?”. I could not recall the last time I was genuinely happy with myself or how I was living my life. I was first diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 16, along with obsessive-compulsive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and social anxiety disorder. It was a lot to digest – well for my parents, that is.

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​I used to cry myself to sleep every night in my later high school years, constantly felt irritable, and had a million worries racing through my head. My diagnoses were not a surprise to me but because I was not open about it with my family, they were shocked. I came out with my struggles when everything became overwhelming and I no longer knew what I could do. I didn’t know what to expect; after seeing how strict my parents were with my sister, I felt there was stigma around mental illness in my home. However, they proved to be very supportive and my number one supporter was and still is my sister.

I started seeing different therapists during my last year of high school, but I did not use them to their full advantage. I still was uncomfortable in my own skin and was therefore leaving out important details about how I felt because I did not think a stranger could help. I always was a people-pleaser and had ongoing perfectionist thoughts about how I thought I should present myself to others, including my therapists. This type of thinking impacted me so greatly that when I was sexually assaulted I never explained the shame I felt. Feeling worthless and helpless became more and more overwhelming. I denied the importance of the assault when I was younger, mainly because I was worried about being judged, but also because I did not want to admit to myself that I had been assaulted. I thought the only thing that could help me was finishing up high school and leaving for university. So I waited for that, and had temporary summer bliss until university started. It was not until my first year of university that I finally accepted the event for what it was. However, that did not stop the flashbacks I continued to have, my fear of trusting others, and my low self-esteem.

Leaving home for university seemed like the perfect solution. I was getting away from my hometown and starting over fresh. My parents suggested that I stay back a year instead, but the thought of not going to university when all my friends were going terrified me. However university was not what I expected. I was always criticizing myself and comparing myself to others and how I thought I should be. I pushed myself to be perfect and repeated harsh self-criticisms in my mind over and over. I thought I had to be a social butterfly, but also study very hard to get high grades. I ended up spending a lot of time in my room. I felt worthless and started crying myself to sleep again every night. I used to go home on the weekends as much as possible because I was always anxious throughout the week due to school. The school stress was extreme. The idea of dropping a course to lighten my worries was overwhelming because I thought it was a waste of money and I felt like a failure. My biggest fears throughout university were always related to money and failure; I was constantly worried about falling behind and being kicked out of school. Talking to older students did comfort me at times, knowing I wasn’t the only one struggling with the transition, but I still felt alone and was still uncomfortable with myself.
           
At the end of my first year of university, I met someone who made me feel wonderful. He was kind and understanding and it felt great to be cared by someone. Again, things got temporarily easier. However, as I started my second year, my anxiety once again became overwhelming. I started having terrible panic attacks and trouble getting to sleep. I started to feel more anxious than I ever had been, primarily because I never did anything to take care of it. I cut negative people out of my life and quit social media in an attempt to connect with myself more strongly. I found a course load that worked for me, but I still feared failing a course. I started to notice that overtime I became more anxious with everyday interactions and daily tasks. One small unexpected thing that came in my way ruined my entire day. I tried to avoid any conversations with people, especially people I did not know well.
           
In my third year of university, I started medication. I tried my very best to avoid this because I felt I was failing needing help for something that I could not handle myself. Things didn’t get easier. Instead, the feeling of anxiety just felt normal to me and I knew how to (sort of) deal with myself when I was struggling. I always felt stressed because I had no idea what I wanted to do after university. I started seeing a therapist regularly because I felt so lost as a person and I felt not knowing who I was or what I wanted in life was unacceptable. I always had (and still do have) unrealistic expectations for myself. And because I didn’t know what I wanted I couldn’t express it to my family or friends, which I felt like I was under constant scrutiny for. I felt uncomfortable in my own home and tried to avoid my roommates as much as possible so I would not have any awkward conversations. I was always in my room with the door closed or at my boyfriend’s house. My third year ended with my boyfriend and I moving in together. I was happy to be comfortable in my own home. Things started off well until my fourth and final year – which was this year.
           
My fourth year started off pretty well. I found out what I desired to do after graduation, so a bit of the pressure was taken off. I was excited to be in my final year, but that was another temporary bliss. Out of nowhere, my best friend stopped talking to me. I took it really hard because I tried to rekindle things with her but got rejected multiple times. Things also started to go rocky with my boyfriend. We fought more than usual and spent less time together. I tried so hard to work on the relationship, however, I was never a priority to him. These two people were very close and important to me. They were the two people I saw regularly who lived in the same city as me and helped me a lot in maintaining my anxiety. As things started to go south with them, I felt lost again. I had the worst panic attack I ever had and ended up taking myself to the hospital. I never realized how much I depended on others and that all the times I felt happy throughout my university career was because of the people around me. I was in my worst state with my anxiety that I had ever been. I was crying, panicking, and worrying. I had a hard time getting out of bed and skipped a lot of my classes. The only medication I was taking was something to help to get to sleep, no anxiety medications. I felt trapped with no one to talk to. Everyone that was close to me lived in far away cities and I felt embarrassed asking any of them for help. Thankfully, I have a great sister who told me I deserved more than what I was getting.

I tried my best with my relationships, but was rejected. My final semester started with my boyfriend breaking up with me. We continued to live together until our lease was up, which was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. My best friend was still not talking to me and the remaining university friends I had started to distance themselves from me. I was completely alone. I decided to distract myself by taking care of myself. I went to the gym regularly, started eating better, and spent time with myself and actually enjoyed it. I felt freer to be myself and accepted who I was. I stopped having suicidal thoughts and I started spending time with people who were more positive and reconnected with my friends back home. This past year has been the hardest year I have ever had; yet I handled it much better than I had with my past issues. I learned a lot about who I was without realizing it. I am a strong, resilient, compassionate, and fun person who just happens to have anxiety. And I am happy.