 Suicide. It’s this tiny seven letter word that ends the lives of those we care about the most. Most of us have been touched by suicide in some way, whether it was as close to us as the of the loss of a friend, or simply by hearing about the death of Robin Williams. This summer, I lost three friends to their battles with mental illness, they died by suicide and it’s honestly something I will never forget. But I’ve also been battling my own suicidal thoughts all summer and that’s what I want to talk about today. I’ve been suicidal for the past five months, but I don’t have any plans to kill myself. This isn’t something that I can really talk about with anyone, because as soon as you mention suicide, people want to put you in a hospital until you stop thinking about killing yourself. I want to make it clear, I don’t have any plans to end my life, I just think about it a lot. I have no plans to swallow a bottle of pills, or hang a rope around my neck. I’m faced with suicidal thoughts almost daily, but I have no intention of going through with any of them. It’s not that I don’t want to live anymore, because I do. I want to see the leaves on the trees change colour in the fall, and I want to eat the most delicious foods in the world, explore all the places in the world I’ve never seen. I want to fall in love and meet people who in inspire me. I want to live a long and happy life – but right now none of this seems possible. The world feels grey to me. I either feel depressed, anxious or numb (and sometimes a combination of all three). I go to my university's campus and I feel like I’m going to pass out from the rabbit race my heart is running and how fast my head is spinning. I go home and I feel numb, I don’t want to do anything or see anyone. Fleeting thoughts like, “I would be okay if I died today,” or “I don’t want to be around anymore,” stick to the back of my mind like glue. Most of the time I can push them away, but when I let myself go and stop thinking for just one moment, these thoughts come back. It’s exhausting and I need it to end, but I can’t talk about it with anyone. Suicidal people deserve a place to talk about their suicidal feelings without risking hospitalization/institutionalization or being accused of being manipulative or attention seeking. I wish that I had someone to talk to about what was going on in my mind but counsellors are required to report any suspicion of someone being in harm’s way and friends and family worry to an extent that it makes them sick – so I keep it to myself. I’ve come up with three pretty helpful ways to ignore or distract myself from these thoughts:
I want to make something clear. While I may have no active plans to harm myself, I still try and keep an eye out in case my thoughts get worse, or I begin thinking more actively about going through with things. For example, I keep track of my mood every day. I try to write down some of the thoughts that I am having, and rate them on their severity and persistency. If I notice them increasing or getting worse, I have a plan to contact my counsellor and doctor. My roommate also knows about what I am going through, so I have someone keeping an eye out for me. If there is even just one person that you can tell, it can be helpful. Being aware of your personal safety is incredibly important. I don’t know how things are going to get better, and I don’t know when. This scares the shit out of me. But I know that of all the years I have been alive, I have had a 100% success rate in getting through each day. So I have to believe that things will get better, they always do right? ** If you are suicidal and are in crisis, please call the crisis line in your region **
2 Comments
Shannon Giorgini
9/18/2016 10:58:18 am
Hey, I just wanted to say that if you're scared about talking to professionals because you don't want to go to the hospital or be institutionalized, don't be. It's incredibly hard to become an inpatient at the hospital, they try to limit the people they let in to very very severe cases (they have limited spots and they try to get you into the outpatient program as soon as possible). With the way your thoughts are I would highly suggest talking to a psychologist or a therapist, tell them you're having suicidal thoughts but not wanting to act on them. There are so many tools and techniques that they can give you to help you with your thought patterns. There are also outpatient programs at the hospital where you only go during the day and see a psychiatrist, therapist and do group work with other people suffering that you could look into. Honestly, I was almost suicidal this summer and I thought I would kill myself before being admitted to the hospital. Now that I'm doing better I'm realizing how ridiculous those thoughts were. If you need to go to the hospital and be admitted, there is no shame in that. If intense therapy is needed, it is needed. If it's going to get you better, then why avoid it or fear it? Looking back, I wish I was admitted when I was at my worst. My friend was an inpatient for 2 months and she's doing incredibly well now because of it. She said it's not at all as scary as people make it out to be. She said it's the quickest way to get better. So don't be afraid of going to the hospital and don't be afraid of talking to professionals because you're having suicidal thoughts. They won't force you to go to the hospital unless you are in immediate danger and they are positive that you are going to harm yourself. You don't have to wait until you're really suicidal to get help, or until your thoughts get worse. It's better to get help and learn tools when your thought patterns aren't at their worst. Trust me, from personal experience, it doesn't just get better unless you have concrete tools and techniques to use; medication, cognitive behavioural therapy, etc. Please don't wait until your thoughts get worse. Get help now, you are worthy of it :)
Kim
10/1/2016 05:05:56 am
Love this post! So important! Leave a Reply. |
Katie McLean holds a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology, and bases her anxiety aid in personal experience, as well as techniques that have been passed on to her by counsellors, friends, and fellow anxiety sufferers. CategoriesArchives
October 2018
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